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April Foolery for Actors

Can't link as you need to be logged in to Actors Access, but this memo just about killed me:


Breakdown Services is pleased to announce FaceBreak.

FaceBreak.com is our social networking site interactive service, designed to help you keep in constant touch with industry associates and friends. This is a special service with features that fit the unique needs of the Entertainment Industry. Depending on your position in the industry, you will have specific features available just for your segment of the industry. This is just version 1. Breakdown welcomes suggestions of features that you would find useful.



THE FACEBREAK WEBCAM: Now Talent Representatives can show their clients just how hard they are working on their behalf. Using a webcam, when pitching your clients or negotiating. Record your facial reaction and your response to casting's insane demands. Note, viewers can only hear your side of the conversation so you can make the person you are talking to seem as dumb as you want. Organize these videos online so that your clients can see how hard you work and what you have to put up with.


THE "IN YOUR FACE" FACEBREAK BRAGGING BOARD: Immediately after you book a job, notifications of your successful booking are automatically delivered to every other actor who auditioned for the same part. Share your good fortune and stop their needless wondering!

THE AUDITIONCAM CHANNEL: If you upgrade your service to our Premium Oscar-Status Package (small fees apply, but there are no small fees, only small actors), you can enjoy full access to our AuditionCams, and watch real-time casting sessions streaming live from cramped, barely painted audition rooms all over town. EXPERIENCE THE GLAMOUR OF ACTING! Discover exactly what a casting director is looking for and learn from the mistakes of other actors! Make thoughtful comments while the actor is emoting -- comments everyone on-line can hear!

ACTORS ACCESS CLIENTS: It's come to our attention that our database is full of really attractive people -- most of you young, single, sexy, and worried. Our database allows us to give you a free personality profile and IQ test and find your soulmate / scene partner! For those of you who just don't like dating people with normal jobs that actually come with steady paychecks, The Woo feature will match you up with a perfect romantic partner, complete with picture and resume!


ON THE WALL Casting directors can now post actor's auditions ON THE WALL. You can add your comments and critique to each of the auditions you record. Plus you can allow viewers to vote on who they think should get the job. This feature will give you the necessary support you need when trying to convince a director to hire the best actor, (democratically) rather than the one whose name they happen to remember from the show they watched last night.


These are special features of FaceBreak that is available to all.

THE FINGER: Other networking services let you Poke your friends; FaceBreak lets you give them The Finger. This is appropriate, given the stress we are all under, this universal sign will instantly convey your true feelings to Buddys and Non-Buddy alike.

YOUR BUDDYS: Now you can ask Talent Agents, Managers and Casting Directors to be Your Buddy. Unlike other sites, which allows anyone to ask to be your Friend; even though you have no clue who they are... but of course you add them as a Friend just in case they are your Aunt Nellie's fourth cousin on her brother's side. This rampant ability to ask for Friendship for no reason whatsoever adds thousands of 'Friends' that you don't have a clue who they are and you have no real interest in Friendship. With FaceBreak if the person you contact to be your buddy accepts your invitation, you will have to pay him/her $29.95 to make them your official Buddy. (Your online account will automatically be debited if your proposed Buddy accepts.) This will make you think twice about asking for Buddy status, unless you really want something from your potential Buddy. What do you get for your $29.95? Well, you have an opportunity to be selected randomly to live with your Buddy for one week during the year at their expense giving you and your Buddy and chance to really bond. Your potential Buddy will then only allow you to be a Buddy if they really want to take a chance that they may be inviting you into their lives....yes true Buddyship! Drawings are held weekly. As a special bonus, you and your Buddy may be chosen to be cast in a new Reality Series produced by Fox entitled "Me and my Buddy"!

TRACKER: If you've found it difficult to find time to post all the mundane and personal events of your day, we've come up with Tracker. Implant our patent pending microchip just under your skin (can be administered by doctor, intern or even your vet). Now your daily schedule will automatically be recorded on FaceBreak, including all your bodily functions. Just think; all your Buddys will have that special intimate knowledge that you've wanted them to have but didn't have the time to write about.

BEST MATCH With this new feature, you can fill out a simple personality test and determine which casting directors you are most compatible with, what agents that can propel your career to new heights and which producers you should work with.

Just go to the following link, fill out the form and see who you match up with.

[The "form" asks your gender. Either answer results in an "April Fools!" macro of ET in Gertie-inflicted drag. *g*]

And then there's the one I wish were an April Fool. Unfortunately, it's actually low on the weirdness scale of what Craigslist gets every day. The foot-fetish troll, f'rinstance. 0.o In case it gets flagged, this is what they're asking for: Mom type needed for private video production. You do not have to be experienced, just have a willingness to learn and be expressive. One scene will involve your spanking an adult son or daughter (tbd) as well as other motherly types of behavior.
You will be asked to supply your own wardrobe which should include a basic knee length (or shorter) skirt, and minimum 3" heeled shoes for a today's mother look, as well as a one piece swimsuit for a bit older look.

Location: Chicago area
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

Actual moms, feel free to laugh even louder than the rest of us. *catastrophic eyeroll*



Valerie - Postmodern Pollyanna
WiliQueen's Woods

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